Tonight I found myself sobbing in the kitchen of the family who I am living with telling the Italian mother all of my problems between gasps for air and clearing my nose. By the middle of the conversation she had pinpointed the exact root of all of these problems after knowing me for two weeks and basically told me to deal with it. Damn. It’s been a long time coming (almost 16 years to be exact) that I have to start really, truly, dead on need to start dealing with a hugely painful and confusing experience in my life. Tonight in that kitchen I understood that what I was currently doing is exactly how I have been putting off dealing with this problem for so long. I put all of these other issues, some bullshit and some legitimate, in front of this key emotional obstacle. I have been giving myself excuse after excuse to delay the inevitable and now it’s staring me in the face and for the first time I need to man up and cry about it.  I promised myself just a few short days ago that I would start being really honest with myself. I have been paying attention to my reactions and then figuring out what their purpose is and where they’re actually coming from. This has been no small task. Being honest with yourself about your faults and false assumptions after years of hiding from them has been emotionally draining. I cried more today for myself than I have in years. I knew that it would be difficult and even painful to take on this feat but I had no idea I would hit such a low so quickly. I spent the day feeling useless, unimportant, and unloved. Not a good place to be. I’m letting myself realize that the root of my anger and fear of judgement and neglect stems from the fact that I am not and have not been happy with myself for a long time. I feel lost at sea with a single paddle and I am just spinning in a tiny circle getting no where except closer to giving up. How do I start, What do I do, and Who do I involve? I still have no clue and I am hoping that as long as I actually try something and make some sort of move that some of this will fall into place. Somehow.  I was just talking to some friends about how we all want to learn Italian but how intimidating it is to think about how long it will take to actually learn a new language and be able to use it properly. I picked up a guitar last week, an instrument I have always wanted to play, and when I saw where I would have to begin and how long it would take to get to where I want to be I wanted to give up before strumming one string. So the girl who is unsure of her ability to learn how to put a sentence together in Italian or be able to play Three Blind Mice on the guitar is going to take on the task of sorting through almost two decades of emotional issues and learn to love herself. What was I thinking?!? Well it’s too late now, the flood gates have been opened and there is no turning back. Now I just have to go along with it and see where it takes me. Hopefully I’ll find that second paddle along the way.