L'Uccello

I’ve found that since I got out of my last serious relationship I have profoundly felt the absence of love in my life. In my first real relationship I was somewhat cautious. Waiting until I knew I truly felt it. And what a remarkable feeling it was. There’s a light that shines out from the deepest part of you, your heart’s “gut”. The first time I felt love I fell completely, blindly, whole body and soul into it. I ended up being more hurt than I have ever hurt in my entire life. I cannot exaggerate this point enough. All of those cliques about food losing taste and life losing color literally became true for me. I was a walking zombie for weeks. I hid from life avoiding friends, barely showing up for classes, shielding myself as much as I could. I felt alone and useless. I was completely unequipped for getting my heart shattered and the only tools I could scrounge up were silence and disappearing as much as possible. I eventually came out of it and as soon as I was able to even consider opening up to someone again I ran into the arms of an ex. Because it was safe. Because it was definite. Because I needed it. In this relationship I exercised more caution. Although we had history it was much longer than it was deep. It started as a high school crush and it was something that I could not let go of. I so desperately wanted to be able to tell my children that I knew I loved their father when I first laid eyes on him from my locker sophomore year of high school. Trust me, I know how pathetic that sounds. I hate even admitting this but it’s true. He proved time and time again to not be ready for a real relationship but I did an award worthy job at convincing him and myself that he was. I knew the entire time that I didn’t really trust him or his commitment to me but being with him and being loved was more important than the truth. It took me a very long time to figure that out. I swore that I would remain single for a long time. I wanted to find myself. I was convinced I would find happiness in being alone. I found myself starting a new relationship three months later. While I am still in this relationship and actually quite happy in it, I am not in love. I now know the dangers of jumping into those three little words that are thrown around so effortlessly. I also remember the joys of hearing those words and believing every ounce of the weight that they carry. I miss that feeling more than I care to admit. My current partner uses these words very carefully, only indulging once before. I truly respect and appreciate this and do not expect to hear these words from him anytime soon.  Yet I find myself sometimes craving these words, wanting and needing them more than anything I’ve ever desired in my life. I became so used to hearing those words in the past few years that I find it very difficult to go so long without them. I just recently realized that I had been relying on these words to feel personally validated. I could believe that I loved myself because I was loved by a man. I understand now that I miss love in my life so much because I do not love myself. I used to have reasons to convince myself that I was a confident person. I was a smart girl, good runner, very involved with all sorts of activities, and I had (and still do have) amazing friends. Now I am on a break from school, not running, not involved and all but one of my amazing friends are thousands of miles away. Sure I’m in Italy, but loving a geographical location cannot come close to taking the place of loving another human being. I’ve never wanted to really admit that I don’t love myself. Sure, I openly admit not loving certain things about myself. There are also things that I don’t love about myself that only I know about. But never, to anyone, including myself, have I ever really admitted that I don’t love myself. How can I say that I have felt this strongly about another person if I haven’t felt this way about myself. It’s been so long that I can’t remember if I ever loved myself. If I did it faded so completely that not even it’s shadow exists anymore.  So this is my ultimate goal of 2011. Of course I want to eat better, get in shape, and meet Jennifer Aniston. But above all, I want to learn to love myself. I want to face (almost) all of my flaws and either work on them or accept them. I want to really appreciate my good qualities. Not just be able to list them, but truly appreciate them. And I want to be able to come out of this year, and even more so come out of Italy, loving myself for no other reason other than just being me. And so it begins…